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Last week you sent a copy of your new book, "An
Unlit Path" to our office I read the promo and then, intrigued, opened the book and could not put it down. I read at the
office and then hurried home and read all night (until 5:30 the next morning). Your story so parallels my daughter's saga,
except that in addition to RAD, her children are FAS as well. The boys were adopted from Russia 4 1/2 years ago at the ages
of 13 months and 25 months. They are not biological brothers, nor are they any more bonded to each other than they are to
my daughter and her husband. From the moment Sharon and Darryl got them home, their lives have been, to put it mildly, hell.
The boys screamed if Sharon looked at them, even tried to scratch their eyes out if she smiled at them. She learned not to
smile. When she would go to their Sunday school class to pick them up, they would scream (I'm sure you know the scream--as
if they feared begin beat to death). Sharon learned to let Darryl pick them up at church. There was not much she could do
when she went to the grocery store with both of them in tow, and they inexplicably started to scream in the grocery cart.
She learned to go to the grocery store at night, leaving Darryl to run interference with the non-sleeping boys. They have
been to Dr.s, who diagnosed them as FAS, RAD, ODD, ADHD, and all the other letters you can think of. I won't go into more
detail about that. But our extended family (beyond me) do not understand why Sharon and Darryl are so restrictive with the
boys. They think S&D should "let them be boys", not understanding that they have no capacity for judgement and could easily
hurt themselves or others. As I read your account of experiences, I thought perhaps if they read your book they would understand
what we cannot seem to get over to them--that these little boys are damaged goods and cannot be "loved" into good behavior.
I plan to order several books, including one for Sharon. Your last chapters, regarding healing, are what she needs so badly.
She has become hard and has built a wall around her heart because she has been so badly hurt by these boys. Her dream was
to be a mother, yet she finds herself in a nightmare. Now she has been advised to start searching for a place for her oldest
to be placed, because at 6 years of age he has already threatened to kill his classmates. We are heartbroken, because whether
these little boys are bonded to us or not, we are bonded to them. Their goal is to keep them as long as they can--the younger
one is slightly bonded and may be able to stay with them. Unfortunately, we greatly fear for the older one's future. There
is a rage in him that knows no bounds. I will admit that Sharon and Darryl have not had the right tools to work with them
until the last two years, and much damage was done before they realized what they were working with. NO ONE, no psychologist,
no school counselor, no psychiatrist, NO ONE knows or cares to know how to deal with these children. Sharon has schooled
herself and knows as much or more than most professionals. With our Dr.s help, she went through the home-bound program where
she and the boys stayed home for 120 days--horrible days for all of them, I'm sure. However, a smidgeon of bonding has resulted
for the youngest. In addition, since they were home, she taught them so much that when they started school and were tested,
they were considered "academically advanced". Thus, no services from school. However, behaviors (wetting, soiling himself,
threatening to kill his classmates) are beginning to alert the teachers that they need to pay attention to Sharon's pleas.
I pray for the boys of course, but mostly for Sharon. Her extreme frustration has led to overeating to the point that she
has gained at least 100 pounds, and of course she has lost any and all self esteem that she ever had. I keep asking God who
this is for? Is it for the boys? Surely they are only slightly better off than they would have been in Russia. Is it for
Sharon? What is the lesson she needs to learn here? That was why I was so excited about your book--those last chapters talk
about spiritual healing, and forgiveness, and I am certain she needs both of those.
I have no clue why I am writing
all this, except that in you I see someone who does know what our family is going through. Thank you for sending the book.
I always think God is so clever when he answers prayer in ways we never expected.
I will be checking on amazon.Com
and on your website.
Thanks again,
Sheila
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I started reading your book this evening and was
unable to put it down until I finished it. It’s now 1:00 am in South Dakota, but I felt compelled to write you before
I turn in at last.
In our upstairs bedrooms, two of our biological children share a room tonight as a two year
old “emergency respite” boy sleeps in our son’s room. He is diagonally across from our room so that we can
hear any sound. The door at the bottom of the stairs is closed and the alarm is set.
His 5 ½ year old sister,
a RAD child with a host of other issues, is also here on an emergency basis because their foster mother was not given enough
information before she welcomed them into her home. She too thought that love would be enough. Now her own 4 year old son
has been sexually perpetrated by this young girl and Social Services is reacting with agonizing slowness to move them to a
more appropriate placement. She continues to act out and cannot be unsupervised for a second with other children. Her door
is alarmed, too, as is the door leading through the kitchen to the basement, where our fourteen year old long term foster
daughter usually sleeps. Tonight she is with a friend.
We were able to take these two with a reasonable ability
to deal with them on a temporary basis because we learned (just like you did) the hard way. We’ve had RAD teens and felt
the incredible pain of the abuse accusations, the coldness and detachment, the wrenching grief of having your heart ripped
from your body. We didn’t know either. Social Services always cloaked these children with lack of information …
only for us to find out later that they knew all along there were major issues (RAD, schizophrenia, sexualized behaviors).
They just didn’t bother to tell us.
I am far more cynical now after 30 foster children and one failed guardianship
that was two weeks from being finalized into adoption. I still think often of a lovely redhead whom I adored the moment I
set eyes on her. She was RAD and Social Services warned us that she had made abuse allegations against her seven previous
foster parents, but assured us that they were “onto” her and we shouldn’t be concerned about it. Of course,
when they pulled her from our home 18 months later after she accused me of pushing her down the stairs, they had no recollection
of that assurance. They had also failed to mention that she was schizophrenic and suffered a brain injury at birth resulting
in bizarre behaviors. But oh, how I loved her. Somehow I thought my love would be enough.
Since then, I have spent
hundred of hours educating myself and advocating for foster parents in my state. I will not be ignorant of the issues and
risks again, and I will do everything in my power to help other foster parents.
My heart resonated with every sentence
in your book. You have my empathy, but even more my joy as you realize (as I did) that God has called us to serve Him regardless
of the outcome. These are His children, broken, cracked, shattered beyond repair in some cases. But He has still called some
families, some mothers, to love them anyway. He doesn’t always protect us from Social Services, and I too have felt the
coldness and distance from former “friends”. I’m always amazed at how we can be great foster parents one minute
and suspected abusers the next in the eyes of Social Services. And I’m saddened that my friends and neighbors and even
my family could think bad things about us. But people love the darkness; God told us that.
I have always loved
this in Proverbs: “Train up a child in the way he should go. When he is old, he will not depart from it.” It doesn’t
promise us that our children will be great teens, or even decent young adults. But it does promise us that at some point (when
they are old) that they will return to the foundation we built for them. I have great faith that it will happen for the 24
foster children I haven’t laid eyes on since they left our house. God has blessed us with frequent contact with the rest
of them and it is good.
Bless you, dear lady. You are now added to my daily prayers. I will pray for your heart
and your mind, and for the peace that passes all understanding.
Bobbi
South Dakota
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Deborah,
I completed reading your book
yesterday and found it to be very well written and accurate. We adopted two boys (not siblings and at two different times)
that we later learned had RAD, ODD, and the list goes on. Our experiences were so much like yours. We loved them completely
but they made our lives such hell that we often felt hatred towards them for what they were doing to themselves and to the
rest of our immediate family (two additional adopted children, both girls) as well as extended family. We were eventually
abandoned by many of those we felt were our friends and supporters. They could deal with the drama and trauma any longer.
The boys are adults now, and one is a success story and one is not. Sam* is 30 years old, holds a great job and has
a successful marriage. He is a real father to his four children and is a loving and nurturing parent. All the professionals
told us he had no conscience and would live his life out in prison. Tell me God doesn't make miracles happen! Shortly after
he turned 20, he came home and told us that all the things we tried to show and teach him were in him and trying to come out.
He said he tried so hard to not let anything from us affect him as he was growing up, but that it all got inside of him anyway.
He is living proof that some of these kids can make it.
Brian* is now 28 and we have not seen him in over
5 years. He is often in jail for theft. He has fathered at least two children that we know of and is a derelict dad. He
is a tattoo artist and is completely tattooed from his ears to his toes. He is now a skin head and looks to Hitler for belief.
Our other children never want to see or hear from him again. My husband and I pray for him daily but also know we cannot
live through him again.
Your story was hard to read because it brought back so many terrifying memories but as
I continued to read, I remembered the moments of hope, faith and joy we experienced with our other children and our family
as you found it with yours. Thank you for writing your book. I will recommend it to everyone I know, not only foster or adoptive
parents and social workers. Others need to know the realities of foster care and adoption and understand their roles as community
supporters.
Isabella
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Deborah,
I just finished reading "An Unlit
Path".
Ironically I started it on my way to Colorado to attend an NFPA meeting. I felt your range of emotion experienced
during your journey. My wife Joleen and I are foster and adoptive parents and have also been down that path. I, like you,
am better off for having experienced the heartache of fostering/adoption as well as the many joys received. We also are Christians
and feel this is our mission and calling. We rely on the Lord for our strength.
Unfortunately as long as we are
on this earth there will be children who need us. Thank you for sharing your story.
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